Nutting likes the looks of the 2012 Pirates.  He figures he will make 25-30 million this season with the rise in ticket prices.

A quick reminder about last season:  The first half was a spilling over of joy during April, May, June and 90% of July that landed with a thud on July 26^th at the hands of a tired Jerry Meals and the Atlanta Braves after a six hour, 19 inning marathon.  The Buccos then crumbled, winning only 18 of the remaining 59 games.

72-90

Fourth place in the division

 19 years and counting

…

So now I welcome you to the spring of my discontent soon to be made ruinous summer by yet another season of the Pittsburgh Pirates Baseball Club’s failures.

Just as the swallows returning to Capistrano is an annual sign of a returning spring so now is word that Pittsburgh Pirates’ third baseman Pedro Alvarez has lost weight, came into training in “excellent shape,” really worked out in the off season, reworked his swing, and (best of all) got his head on straight.  It was not yet the end of February when the Pittsburgh media started selling Yinzers on the fact that Pedro had once again been reborn.  Approximately 2,387 spring training strike outs, a sub-.200 grapefruit league batting average, and some 40 odd days later and people are asking if Pedro should start the season in AAA Indianapolis.  I sure am glad that Pedro pouted his way out of playing winter ball after last season.

It was announced this week that Pedro will start the season at third base and his position on the opening day 25 man roster is “secure.” 

I now believe that Pedro is part of the yet un-exorcised demons from the Jason Kendall years.  You know, that clubhouse malaise that causes players to welcome rookies with “Welcome to Hell” upon first making it to “the bigs” as a Bucco. 

The power of Clemente compels you!  The power of CLEMENTE COMPELS YOU!!!

Last season broke down once the quality of pitching came back to Earth and the arms grew tired.  This year I feel like the season might breakdown right out the gate.  With someone whose psyche is as fragile as Pedro’s what will happen as the Pirates faithful turn on him if he continues to be a strikeout machine that will swing at anything?  What if Pedro consistently gives up after two strikes like he has in the past?  The fans will turn on him and it will be ugly.  PNC Park will become hostile along the third base line. 

He has never lived up to being the second overall pick in 2008.  The best we have seen from him was 2010 where he hit 16 home runs and drove 64 runs across the plate in just under 100 games.  Since then he has not even been able to produce at the AAA level while on assignment.  The clock is running out on Pedro and I hate to think it, but the team’s early going might hinge on his ability to show he is a pro caliber baseball player. 

/chugs from bottle of Jameson

Some good news:  McCutchen is locked up with a six-year $51.5 million deal.  In the long run this could be a steal for a contract.  McCutchen wanted to stay.  He wanted fair value and the Pirates management finally signed an impact player instead of trading him away before the contract was up.  There is nothing not to love about this deal.  It is that good.

McCutchen’s numbers last season:  23 HR, 89 RBI, 23 SB, and his VORP was sky high (at one point last season it was the highest in baseball}).  I hope for an incremental improvement this season along with a second trip to the All Star game.  28 HR, 95 RBI, and 30 SB. 

My own personal dream boat Neil Walker is back and after playing 159 games at second base last season is the shining star of the Pirates infield.  Not that this is hard to do.  Pittsburgh raised and at 26 years old should be around for years to come if the Pirates can get a contract extension to him… which they better because I am now the proud owner of a Walker jersey.

Pitching:

Pittsburgh welcome’s A.J. Burnett.

(nano seconds later)

A.J. Burnett takes ball off face during bunting practice; breaks orbital bone.

Congrats… you are officially a Pirate after that turn of events.  Once his face is finished healing he should be the number one starter.  Pirate’s faithful are hopeful that a change of venue and facing NL bats will see Burnett be the 18-20 game winner and not the 10-15 or 11-11 pitcher that caused him to get drummed out of the Yankees clubhouse.  I’m very optimistic in this regard… was more so before he ended up using his face as a back stop.

Once Burnett is healed up the rotation will be: Burnett, McDonald, Charlie “Electric Stuff” Morton, the newly acquired Erik “the half a bee” Bedard, and Jeff Karstens or Correia. 

I am excited about that… but I am also currently three quarters of the way through a bottle of Jameson.  You should probably ask someone less drunk and less likely to be lining up for Pirates Brand Kool-Aid.

Best case scenario:  Last season everyone was rooting for the Pirates.  ESPN showed highlights of our games!  We were part of the discussion about what was great about baseball during a summer month.  It was fun.  Maybe we can catch that again.  The NL Central should be wide open.  I would be ecstatic to see 78-84 season.  That being said the best case scenario really needs to be at minimum an 81-81 season.  That is the bar.  This team needs to end the streak to be able to really advance from being a perennial joke.

Chuck Tanner: Which base were you throwing to?

Dale Berra:  Seventh?

Tanner:  He’s done.  Hey, Murray!  Get him out of here.  Who we got?

Berra: Sixth?

Murray (Bench Coach):  Ahh, Chuck the best we can do is bring in Belliard… and he is currently getting a… well a “massage” in the locker room.

Tanner: Christ on a cracker… What is Milner doing?

Murray:  He just tore up his jersey looking for his "secret pocket" and is sweating buckets.  We can’t send him out there.

/Berra calls over the Pirate Parrot waving a couple 20s.

Tanner:  What the hell are you doing?

Berra:  Just trying to get a bump, coach.

Tanner:  Get on the bump?  We got Rod Scurry out there.  The man just wants to throw gas today.  Hey Rod!  How about an off speed pitch here or there buddy?

Scurry:  Coach… I’m pretty sure that today I can both pitch and catch.  I can catch my own pitches.  This means you can use four guys in the outfield and seven on the infield.

Tanner:  What the… Will you just throw the damn ball?

/John Milner runs out of the dugout.

Milner:  Hey Lee!  You got any more suga’?  I got the itching again.  You owe me after I let you go back door on my old lady last night!  Don’t even pretend I don’t know!  You got to pay to ride that train!

Lee Mazzilli:  I don’t owe you shit.  I dropped an eight ball in your lap on the bus ride yesterday.  What the hell are you doing looking for more?  Besides it was Lee Lacy with your woman last night?

Lee Lacy:  Wrong.  I was busy cutting my new batch with some rosin all night?   I’m pretty sure it was Lee Tunnell.

Tanner:  Milner, get the hell off the field.  How many guys named Lee do we have on this team? 

Ump:  Hey coach… what you got going on here?  You going to make a change?

/Dave Parker walks over and lights up a J

Parker:  Hey Ump… it’s all cool.  Don’t be harshin’ the mellow around here.  We just got to get a rotation going.  Puff, Puff, Give.  Al’right?

/Ump rings Parker up

Ump:  You’re out of here! 

Parker:  Whoa… You got an issue my man?

Ump:  Chuck you better get a hold of your crew or this game is over!

Tanner:  You got your own problems Ump.  The batter looks like he is scooping up all the chalk from the batter's box.

Tim Raines:  Hey Ump, can I use your little brush?  If this game is over then I am taking all THIS back to the hotel… because when it Raines, IT POURS BABY!!!

Dock Ellis:  What about me?

Parker:  Common misconception.  You were off the team after the ‘75 season.  Sorry old buddy but we don’t need you in this bit.

Berra:  Right field?

Tanner:  What are you blabbering about Berra?

Berra:  Where the ball should go…

Tanner:  Right… Damn… now Berra just pretend like the ball is… ah…forget about it.  Get me a beer.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...

Bearcat

Welcome back DSB readers, I am sure both of you are excited to see that I am taking the time to write another Running Diary full of misspellings, run-on sentences and retread jokes that were not necessarily funny the first time around.

This was my favorite part of the Super Bowl...

A quick note about the pregame.  NBC first asked Archie Manning about the prospect of Pey-Pey playing in New York City with Eli and the look on his face was priceless.  The man is so desperate to have this scenario play out he can taste it.  It was obvious.  What a self-aggrandizing asshole.

After an interview with Bob Kraft about the loss of his wife and the impact on the team, Rodney Harrison says that Myra Kraft “was the Patriot way.”  I always assumed that Harrison thought the Patriot way was to be a cheating hack and to be widely considered the league’s dirtiest player.

An Cris Collinsworth wears jeans from his playing days.  They are at least 20 years old.  I can’t believe NBC let him get in front of a camera dressed like a hick seed from three decades in the past.

Costas called the Patriots “the NFL’s model franchise.”  Like Spygate never even happened…

6:17pm  Why is Kelly Clarkson the biggest star they could get to do the National Anthem?  Also country music is the fucking worst… Naturally, Al Michaels call is rousing. 

6:25pm Belicheat is looking extra homeless tonight.  Clearly, this is an advantage for the Pats.  While we are talking advantages I like the Pats to win but will be rooting for the Giants.  God help me if the Patriots get four rings…

6:27pm  This seems like a good time to let you know that the first beer of the night was Allagash Black Belgian Style Stout… it was fantastic.  Right now for kick off I have a Bell’s Hopslam.  ZJ loves this beer and for good reason.  It gets the Bearcat Seal of Approval.

6:29pm  Kickoff

6:32pm  Every play thus far has involved Al Michaels reminding us of various plays that each individual participated in during the past season.  I have no reference for any of this stuff.  I think he just wants to show off that he watches a lot of football and did his homework.  Hey Al, no need to “show all work” this is not algebra.

6:35pm  Bud Light Platinum is triple filtered.  That way they get rid of any of that beer like flavor…

6:39pm SAFETY!!!! Holy Shit!  That is fantastic.  That just made my night.  That was 50-1 odds.

6:43pm  Hynoski… The Polish Plow.  FROM?  Pitt.  Great nickname.

6:47pm   The Patriots can play awesome defense when they have 12 men on the field.  Bill Simmons is wondering what is wrong with that defensive scheme. 

6:50 Cruz with the TD.  9-0 I couldn’t be happier at this point.  And NBC plays salsa music for Cruz.

6:51pm  Bud Light Platinum says that good things come for those that wait.  If the good thing Bud Light I would rather just continue to be a rampant asshole.

6:55pm  The Bridgestone Halftime show will be brought you at halftime by Bridgestone.

6:57pm  I would love to be at the party where a Pats fan has 9 and 0 in his Super Bowl square.  He has to be so conflicted.  That would be fun to watch.

7:04pm  9-3 after the FG.  The Chevy ad with the “Best Gift Ever” has best commercial thus far status.

7:08pm  “Without GE there would be no Bud?”  I hate General Electric.

7:10pm  “His chip block is assault and battery”  Ray Lewis is wondering what crime his play corresponds with… Criminal conspiracy and homicide seem right up his alley.

7:15pm I wonder if Pats’ Patrick Chung has named his penis “Wang Chung.”   I am 100% sure he has.

7:32pm  Gronkowski finally makes a catch and somewhere XXX Starlet Bibi Jones starts riding her bed post.

7:35pm  So If I get flowers from Teraflora for a Victoria’s Secret model Adrian Lima I get to receive?  That would be totally worth a 50 dollar half dozen rose set with ugly ass vase. She was alluding to a BJ right?

7:42pm  This salsa if awesome.  I am basically going to eat the entire jar.  I kind of felt like being honest about the fact that I am complete fat ass. 

7:45pm  JPP with a huge stop inside the 2 yard line.  Chris Collinsworth just said “He is not a regular human being.”  HGH and steroids does that Chris.

7:46pm  Woodhead with the TD catch.  10-9 Patriots.

7:52pm  New beer Fegley’s Hop Explosion.  Lots of grapefruit flavor and serious hops.  A west coast type IPA and pretty good.  I would seek this one out.

7:46pm  Rodney Harrison may be working for NBC but he is clearly just a shill for the Patriots.  He thinks the Patriots have played the best first half of football of all time.

8:03pm  Madonna Crotch…. On my TV.  BTW:  Sean Penn has been there.

8:10pm  Is Cee Lo Green wearing a trash bag?

8:13pm  The Voice commercial was scary.  Betty White’s eyes may have been up here but her tits were on the floor.

8:17pm  The Clint Eastwood/Detroit commercial is fantastic.  Chryslers still suck… but a great commercial.

8:25pm  TD Hernández 17-9 Patriots… this game is not great. 

8:58pm  I totally blacked out… I might have put myself into a salsa coma. 

8:59pm  The NFL used Ray-Ray to shill for the league talking about player safety in a commercial to lead into the fourth quarter.  The NFL turned to a murderer who ratted out his buddies to represent their efforts to make an inherently violent brand seem as safe as a walk in the park.  The NFL used a krumping criminal who stabbed a man and let his buddies take the fall as their pitch man.  This kills me.

9:48pm  This game got pretty exciting here in the fourth too bad this blog post sucks…  38 seconds left.  If the Patriots win this one I will be stunned and shocked.

9:51pm  HAHAHA FUCK YOU BILL SIMMONS RED SOX WOODHEAD NATION!!!!!11!1!!!!

This post sucks… but thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball.

DSB decided to sit down again with local minor league baseball sensation and major league tool Bryce Harper to discuss how his Christmas weekend went and to see what he plans to do in the new year.

DSB: So how was your Christmas?

BH:  Well Bro, I have to say it was pretty f-ing sweet.  I went to church with my ‘rents and praised the baby Jesus for making my life so fuckin’ awesome.  I like to thank The Chosen One 1.0 for making me The Chosen One 2.OH NO!  I need to be humble about my talents and life during this time so I only took the diamond white Range Rover to church but honeys still be flockin’.

DSB:  Did you get any nice gifts?

BH:  Yeah, Bro… I got a chocolate lab that I named Swag.  He has the B-Harps demeanor down.  He is good looking and knows it and the ladies love his style.  Although I still have better hair.

DSB:  Give any nice gifts?

BH:  Bro… I used my Savannah’s on Hanna gold membership to make it rain in the club on Christmas Eve.  Nothing like a stripper in a Santa suit string bikini to make you feel the holiday spirit.

/winks

DSB:  Any plans for the New Year?

BH:  Yo Bro we plan on taking the Bryce Brand to new heights.  Scotty B. (Boras) and I are going to be dropping a 10 foot tall bottle of Moose Knuckle Juice at midnight in a Miami club called the Meat Pit.  It is going to be a crazy party with models and shit.

DSB:  Can we get and invite?

BH:  Are you a model, Bro?

DSB:  No…

BH:  Then sorry B… got to keep the honeys in the proper ratio.  How about I hook you up with a Bryce Brand original Double Deep V T-shirt?  These bad boys retail for $250 in the Kardashian boutique Dash.  I would autograph it for ya but I don’t need this ending up on eBay, bro.

DSB:  This T-shirt smells like diesel fuel…

BH:  Yo, that be my new fragrance The Chosen Smell.  Scotty B said that every major player in the game has to have a smell.  I helped formulate it and everything.  Here is the breakdown:  pine tar, the essence of Moose Knuckle Juice, artificial tanning solution, rubbing alcohol, pine tree car air freshener, hair gel, baseball glove leather oil, some of my own sweat, and vinegar and water.

DSB:  It is quite the powerful odor… it burns the nostrils.

BH:  It comes packaged in a two liter sized glass fist with a hand pump.

DSB: I am pretty sure that I used something similar this summer to spray pesticide.  Any baseball related goals for 2012?

BH: Bro… I have been working on my homerun celebration handshakes all winter.  When I go deep the dugout is going to see some sweet high fives this year.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…