DSB decided to sit down again with local minor league baseball sensation and major league tool Bryce Harper to discuss how his Christmas weekend went and to see what he plans to do in the new year.

DSB: So how was your Christmas?

BH:  Well Bro, I have to say it was pretty f-ing sweet.  I went to church with my ‘rents and praised the baby Jesus for making my life so fuckin’ awesome.  I like to thank The Chosen One 1.0 for making me The Chosen One 2.OH NO!  I need to be humble about my talents and life during this time so I only took the diamond white Range Rover to church but honeys still be flockin’.

DSB:  Did you get any nice gifts?

BH:  Yeah, Bro… I got a chocolate lab that I named Swag.  He has the B-Harps demeanor down.  He is good looking and knows it and the ladies love his style.  Although I still have better hair.

DSB:  Give any nice gifts?

BH:  Bro… I used my Savannah’s on Hanna gold membership to make it rain in the club on Christmas Eve.  Nothing like a stripper in a Santa suit string bikini to make you feel the holiday spirit.

/winks

DSB:  Any plans for the New Year?

BH:  Yo Bro we plan on taking the Bryce Brand to new heights.  Scotty B. (Boras) and I are going to be dropping a 10 foot tall bottle of Moose Knuckle Juice at midnight in a Miami club called the Meat Pit.  It is going to be a crazy party with models and shit.

DSB:  Can we get and invite?

BH:  Are you a model, Bro?

DSB:  No…

BH:  Then sorry B… got to keep the honeys in the proper ratio.  How about I hook you up with a Bryce Brand original Double Deep V T-shirt?  These bad boys retail for $250 in the Kardashian boutique Dash.  I would autograph it for ya but I don’t need this ending up on eBay, bro.

DSB:  This T-shirt smells like diesel fuel…

BH:  Yo, that be my new fragrance The Chosen Smell.  Scotty B said that every major player in the game has to have a smell.  I helped formulate it and everything.  Here is the breakdown:  pine tar, the essence of Moose Knuckle Juice, artificial tanning solution, rubbing alcohol, pine tree car air freshener, hair gel, baseball glove leather oil, some of my own sweat, and vinegar and water.

DSB:  It is quite the powerful odor… it burns the nostrils.

BH:  It comes packaged in a two liter sized glass fist with a hand pump.

DSB: I am pretty sure that I used something similar this summer to spray pesticide.  Any baseball related goals for 2012?

BH: Bro… I have been working on my homerun celebration handshakes all winter.  When I go deep the dugout is going to see some sweet high fives this year.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…

Welcome back for another DSB Running Diary where I provide a dick joke fueled rundown of the Steelers prime time game…. So yeah, the usual shit show on DSB.

8:15  Peter King brings up the Texas to Favre rumors… I scream at my TV the whole time he is speaking then Costas asks when Favre's name will stop coming up.  WHEN PETER KING FINALLY STOPS BRINGING IT UP YOU MEAT HEAD!!!

 Looks like a pickedthe wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

8:22  Faith Hill has yet to compare Obama to Hitler so I guess we will continue to suffer through this shitty intro…  If she did it in a bikini at least then I could mute it.  NBC tries to sex it up with the leather suit but really she just looks like she hates it and leather is only sexy if the chick looks like she wore it specifically because she wants to get nailed all night long in a really profane way.

8:24  As I always say Arrow Head is the toughest place to play on the road in the NFL… I heard that about 15 years ago and considered it gospel.  I will always assume it is true regardless of the actual facts, data or analysis. 24-17 Steelers is my prediction.

8:28 Mrs. Bearcat is going through our mountain of mail that has been collecting on the dining table.  “You want this Brookstone Magazine?  What is Brookstone, anyway?  Is this like those airplane magazines that sell hotdog cookers and shit?”  Me: “Pretty much”

8:30 Todd Hailey looking extra homeless today…  This feels like a positive for the Black and Gold.

8:31  “Tyler Palko, Pitt”  He looks like he just rolled out of bed 35 seconds before doing his intro tape…   “Jonathon Baldwin, Pittsburgh”  He was clearly stoned… way to sell that Pitt Panther football.

8:33 Steeler defense looking especially sieve like in the early going.  This might be a good point to mention that I recently decided to take a break from drinking.  It is moments like this that make me think I should return to numbing the pain with booze.  NOW TROY IS SLOW TO GET UP and may be concussed?!?!?!  WHERE’S THE BOOZE?!?!?!?!

8:38  Steelers defense tightens up and force the Chefs to kick a FG (Yes, Max Power and JP I mean Chefs and I know that commercial is a decade old.)

8:41  Al Michaels just called Ben “indestructible.”  Season ending injury now imminent.  This has me distressed.

8:43  Heath Miller with a  catch and Arrow Head sounds like Heinz Field.  Wow… basically destroys my theory that KC is toughest stadium in the league.

8:46  The autumn chill has Ed “Guns” Hochuli putting on the long sleeves I will assume he finds that depressing.   

8:50 Mewelde Moore fumbles into the end zone… still not drinking… still not drinking… still not drinking…  Why the HELL WAS HE IN THE GAME THERE??? What does he do that Mendenhall, you know our first round draft pick, can’t do?

8:54 Keisel reminds the Chefs that they are the Chefs by pouncing on Palko’s fumble… Nice.  Bails out the Offense on that one.

8:58 Hailey is going to burn a challenge… This has an Andy Reid feeling to it.  Well wasted my friend.   Mike Tomlin thanks you for your stupidity.  He earned about 12 inches…  good job there Hailey.

9:02 That was one of the strangest 4^th and 2 conversions I have ever seen…  Wow… just wow.

9:05 The Steelers O-Line gives up another sack and the Steelers are clearly leading the game in “Shooting itself in the foot category” at this point of the game.

9:08 I spoke too soon. No one out “shoots themselves in the foot” Tyler Palko.  He throws a pick that is so bad it looks like he was trying to get intercepted by Ike Taylor…  I think I completely forgot about his time at Pitt.  How did that guy get in to the NFL?   

9:11  End of the first quarter and somehow this game is still 0-3 KC.  Let me take the time to now provide my thoughts on the NBA lockout ending… It sucks.  That is all.

9:13 Collinsworth has now mentioned Ben’s thumb 3,869 times so far.  Way to dig deep when prepping for the game there pal.

9:14 Steelers blow the redzone offense. Settle for a FG and the game is now tied 3-3.

9:16 Palko just threw another interception to Mundy… that is three possession and three successive turnovers.  This is awesome.  Wonder if Peter King will speculate about Brett Favre coming to KC at the half.

9:24 Touchdown! To Saunders!!! Great pass and masterful catch. 10-3 Stillers.

9:28  The always great TV moment of commercial, kickoff, commercial break.  God forbid we show some football in this broadcast.  I am really just watching so that Miller Lite can continue to call men who do not drink their watered down beer pussies.

9:36  Just saw that the Caps fired Bruce Boudreau… Christmas has come early.  Suck it fat ass.

9:46 Boudreau firing was from bullshit fake Twitter account.  Christmas canceled or at least put off for another could of games.  Two minute warning and I am losing interest in this game. Paula Creamer’s mini-skirted golfing Citizen Watch commercial is holding my interest better than this game. 

Creamer... Mmmmm... Creamer....

9:49 Jesus… Al Michaels just announced that Bob Costas will be pontificating about the Stevie Johnson TD celebration where he pantomimed Burress shooting himself in the leg and a plane crash in one swift move.  I thought this was brilliant…  Where is my Rage-ohol?

9:55 Sushi nails a 49 yard kick to bring on half time.  I will now share with you a video with an awesome drag race wreck that caused the driver to just say “Fuck it… this car is destroyed I am going to enjoy burning up every single part on this bitch.”

10:03 Time for the Costas soapbox… Here he spends 5 minutes of self-indulgence to decry self-indulgence.  What a joke.  Pretty sure Costas also hates “uppity blacks.”

10:08 Thank God for Toyotathon otherwise my “end of year” would blow…

10:09 If the Detroit Lions on the Play 60 Bus had shown up at my school for a commercial I would have challenged them to a game and told them that the line was Lions +3.  We totally could have covered.

10:12 Michelle TaFoya brings us back from the halftime break by reporting that Hailey stated that Palko “just needs to play better.” For that kind of crack reporting she probably makes six figures.

10:15  While I am thinking of it… I saw The Muppets this weekend.  It was fantastic.  Five out of Five stars.  Only gripe: not enough Lew Zealand.  See this movie… you will not regret it.

10:16 Ben throws a pick into double coverage… Collinsworth does not use this as an opportunity to bring up Ben’s broken thumb. Now I think he is just messing with me.

10:20 Michaels and Collinsworth logic: Palko played at Pitt.  Pitt uses same facilities as Steelers.  Palko prepared to play Steelers.  Like he learned how to beat them via osmosis… My head hurts.

10:35  KC goes wildcat on 3^rd and 1 and gets stuffed and then fake punts for the conversion.  I will assume that TaFoya would report that the Chiefs “went for it so that they could continue to keep the offense on the field…” if given the chance.

10:55 I am basically in a coma from this game.  Still 13-6 Steelers but the defense might be more tired than I am.

10:58 KC screws up the end of the best drive they have had all night and are left with kicking a FG. 13-9 Steelers with more than seven minutes left in the game.

11:01 Collinsworth has used the term “penetration” about 50 times tonight…. Mrs. Collinsworth is clearly not pulling her weight.

Sasha Grey understand penetration unlike any other...

11:02  If the Southwest baggage handlers threw a penalty flag at me in the airport I would punch them in the throat.  Traveling sucks enough already besides the prospect of being reminded that airlines deliver a double anal fisting through my wallet.

Kobe throat punch?  Yes, please.

11:10 The Steelers never put KC away and now the Chiefs are in a position to drive the field and win the game… this sucks. 

11:16 The Chiefs are driving down the field and are moving the ball nicely… this is causing heartburn.  1^st and 10 with 38 clicks on the clock with the ball on the Steelers 38.  I am going to watch the rest of the game from a standing position.

11:19 Chiefs have a FALSE START!!! LOL  This team truly has perfected the ability to be a complete clusterfuck in prime time. 

11:20 Can we pick off Palko again?  The game was more fun with we were doing that… HOLY SHIT THAT JUST HAPPENED.  I swear to God I was asking for it just as it happened. WOW… 

11:25 Well it’s a win.  13-9 Steelers. Not pretty but we are 8-3…

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…

Bearcat

DSB decided to sit down with Harrisburg AA baseball superstar and local president of the more dollars than brains club Bryce Harper to discuss how he is spending this off season...

Bro... I spent 38 minutes on my hair...

DSB:  Bryce, you recently sent out a tweet to Wale (a DC area rapper) asking for a shout out in one of his songs?  If he gave you a shout out would this be your new at bat music?

BH:  Bro, when you are as awesome as I am it is tough to understand why I am not getting name dropped in more music.  The Bryce Brand has the ability to really drum up hype and recognition and that is why my boy Scotty Boras has me endorsing Moose Knuckle Juice.  It’s like Jager but with three times the alcohol and it is guaranteed to get the ladies in the mood.  Big Ben swears by this stuff.  So yeah if I could get Wale to name drop me and the Moose Knuckle in a song that would be my go to before I start ripping off pitcher tits, Bro.

DSB:  How is that truck of yours doing?

BH:  Bro, I traded in that murdered out F350 for a pimped out H2.  It was used but being able to put a disco ball inside my car along with a Patron Tequila and Moose Knuckle themed bar was a must if I am going to make my whip as awesome as it should be for The Chosen One.  I also had them put in a closet where I can keep my Affliction and double deep V T-shirts.  That's right double deep V... just another part of the Bryce Brand.  Thank you Scotty.  Bitches be ripping them off my body all the time and you know…

/Flexes in mirror and blows himself a kiss.

DSB:  How do you like hanging around the capital region of PA this off season?

BH:  Bro, it was has been pretty good so far, I really enjoyed seeing Dane Cook down at the Giant Center.  That guy is just the funniest white boy around.  He and I went shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch after the show and picked up a couple nice “bitties.”  Since then he helped me decorate my crib.  I now have a Scarface poster in every room of my house.  I even have a life size one in the shower… its bitchin’ Bro.

DSB:  How have you been working on your game now that the cold weather has come around?

BH: Do you think this Hollister “Tell Your Girlfriend I Said Thanks” T-shirt is tight enough?  I don’t think it is as tight as they advertised it to be…

DSB:  The big story around here has been the Penn State Scandal… any thoughts about the news?

BH:  Yo…Bro touching little boys is gay.  Like really gay but not just like Subaru driver with rainbow sticker gay.  Like gay bad plus really homo type gay… you know what I mean Bro?

DSB: No… at least I hope not.

BH:  Bro, Its easy… there is gay, like two dudes gay and then there is gay like that cop pulling me over for doing 95 on Harvey Taylor Bridge gay.  This is gay-gay.  Both kinds of gay at the same time.

DSB: Kind of like Bros Icing Bros but somehow you made it more homophobic?

BH: No, Bro… that shit is fun!

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…

Bearcat